Thank You For Visiting Chandler's Site

If this is your first time visiting Chandler's page, welcome. This site is very precious to me because it allows me to share Chandler with you. It has been a journey, and even perhaps it even seems as if i am on an enternal rollercoaster. However, I am deeply encouraged by the kind words recieved by those who visit this site, because now you can remember Chandler too. Although Chandler only lived for seventeen days, remembering him goes beyond such his short time. I can't help but wonder what he would have been like, who he would havc grown to be. I often daydream about how would i have managed with two boys, 12 months apart. I wonder how Chandler and his big brother would get alone playing together. I miss Chandler terribly, words can't describe this tremendous void i feel. Yet through this site i can keep his memory alive, never forgetting that he touched my soul and life without him will never be the same.

Loving Chandler,

Tara

Chandler's Story

I can remember the night i concieved Chandler, and i remember thinking"we shouldn't have done that." I keep track of my ovulation as a form of birth control and sure enough i was ovulating that night. All month i took pregnancy tests and got a BFP the day my cycle was due. It wasn't planned but we were excited, all i could think of was that i was going to raise my boys practically like twins and my husband would say "get ready its gonna be two of them." Chandler was due only ten days after Kingston's original due date so i had plenty of everything, all i need was a double stoller. Six weeks into the pregnancy i started bleeding. I immediately went to the doctor and he discovered a pocket of blood in my uterus, however the baby was fine. Once i saw my perinatologist he advised me the the bleeding came from behind the placenta as it was trying to attach itself to my uterine wall. Ultimately the placenta did attach but in an arkward postion. The bleeding stopped but as the pregnancy progessed Chandler began to measured behind in size. It started at 3 days off and eventually got up to 3 weeks off. After addressing my concerns i was referred to a specialist and it was observed that i had absent of blood flow to the baby from the placenta. I was told that i woud have to go on bedrest in the hospital. This was devestating due to my condition and the fact that i could not care for my 9 month old at the time. I was to stay on hospital bedrest until my due date, it was June 9th and i was due September 16th. I was only 25 weeks. Once i got my family settled i realized that bedrest in the hospital was a small scarifice. I survived the hospital for 3 weeks and gave birth via c- section to Chandler on June 30th a birthday we now share. He was born at 28 weeks and weighed 1lb, 6ozs.
I was diagnosed as to having intrauterine growth restriction due to having issues with my placenta. Chandler came out kicking and screaming with apgar scores of 8 and 9. The drs assured me he was doing well and required very little oxygen. However after the 4th day of life fhe developed plumonary hypertension. This condition is very typical for preemies and it usualy resolves itself in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately this was not the case for Chandler. He went into shock on the evening if July 15th. Earlier that day i remember speaking with my mother telling her that i didn't think he was going to make it, i had the illest baby in the NICU. Chandler died the next morning. When the doctor called me she woke me up out of my dream, i dreamt that me and my husband were having dinner discussing Chandler's death! When we got to the hospital Chandler's oxygen levels were at 20-30% they are normally 95%-100%. He was dying, and the dr told me he would not be able to recover from the lack of oxygen, me and ny husband agreed. We had him removed from the support and held him for the first time. It was so bitter sweet, here we were holding our child for the first time but it would also be the last. Chandler died in our arms. He looked so relieved to be in our arms and i knew he felt our love for the first time beyond the incubator. If he could talk it looked as if he would have said "thank you mommi and daddy those tubes were hurting me thank you for rescuing me, I love you." I held Chandler and i touched every inch of his body as to remember his touch forever, i ingested his scent, and inhaled every last one of his breaths. I will never forget my baby boy as he will always remain my lil baby boy.
This has been a journey and the hardest thing i have ever had to go through. I am encouraged to keep Chandlers memory alive through me. I remind Kingston all the time of his baby brother. I speak Chandlers name daily as a personal reminder that he was here and he will forever be a part of our family. I always reference that i have two boys, with a smile. It is hard but i dont want misery to be associated with the loss of Chandler. Chandler pushes me to be better everyday in all that i do and i will be better because of him. We did a Walk To Remember at the hospital in honor of all the babies that were precious for this earth and the hospital held a memorial for babies that were lost at Northside hospital. These resources were very helpful in providing some closure to us.

Inspiration from love

Its been several months since we have lost Chandler and i have battled with how to tribute my triumphant little boy. I couldn't find the right tool that would do justice in honoring his presence. My biggest fear from losing Chandler, is losing his memory. Gone, but never forgotten. My husband tells me that Chandler's memory lives through us, so tell the world about him... so now i will share Chandler's story with you.